Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof

10 Things You Didn’t Know About Julian Assange

In Superintelligent sea cucumbers on December 14, 2010 at 11:34 pm

I LIKE TURNIPS!

In order of mounting importance, here are the secrets governments would kill to know about the boss of the Wikileaks site.

10. Turnips

Before turning his hand to the Internet, ran a mail-order business out of a dilapidated farm house in rural New South Wales. The business specialized in fulfilling the sordid lusts of turnip fanciers. He would take stark black-and-white “glamour shots” of men with their vegetable of choice in compromising positions. He later attempted to use the mailing list he had assembled to blackmail his customers. This backfired and he was beaten severely and forced to pose for photograph after photograph starring not just the noble turnip but every root vegetable from the rutabaga to the parsnip.

9. Graz

Has been described as being from Australia and himself claims Australian citizenship. He is rarely seen without a family-sized bottle of Vegemite and a outsized novelty can of Fosters. Everywhere he travels he takes a menagerie of Australian animals–wallaby, kangaroo, echidna, platypus and dingo. The sad fact, however, is that he is Austrian, not Australian–born on the wrong side of the sheets in a small margravate in Styria, where he was trained to dance and juggle. Is said to have left home after killing a stable boy who bullied him relentlessly and made him dress up like a Carinthian.

8. Boom

As “Matthew Grace,” played the boom operator in the 1995 film “Living in Oblivion.” Is also a voice actor who has worked steadily over the years under the pseudonym “Carlos Alazraqui.”

7. Koans

Is the author of a popular book of zen Buddhist sayings titled “500 Truly Tasteless Zen Koans.” (Excerpt follows.)

Shih-huang Ti was traveling in the wilderness. After one week of travel he spotted a monastery on a cliff. He rode his horse up to the monastery and dismounted. Entering the Great Hall he was met by a monk holding a bowl of rice.

Shih-huang Ti said, “I have traveled very far. I must relieve myself. Please show me your toilet.”

The monk did not speak but instead thrust out the bowl of rice.

Shih-huang Ti said again, “Please show me your toilet.”

Again, the monk thrust out the bowl.

Shih-huang Ti shouted angrily, “Monk! Is this how you treat your guests? I have told you twice already, show me your toilet!”

The monk replied compassionately, “The toilet is here.”

Shih-huang Ti took down his riding breeches and loosened his bowels into the bowl.

6. Mojave

Once, carrying only a Ka-Bar and a handful of No-Doz, walked across the Mojave Desert, from Goffs to Baker.

5. Short-track

Is an accomplished short-track racer; was the Southern Short-Track champion in 1999 but was disqualified for sandbagging.

4. Chop-Sockey

Was kicked out of a religious retreat for repeatedly fondling a monk. The retreat was at the shaolin monastery at Song Shan. Spent three months rehabilitation at Huashan hospital.

3. Punch

Once punched a man so hard it killed his whole family. Unfortunately, that man was his son.

2. Investorists

Founded Chiliphone (“Where Wireless Communications and Chili Meet”). One of the principal investors in Chiliphone–along with Bessemer, August, Union Square, Cahuenga Brothers and the Virtual Hillbilly Investment Capital Fund–was Billy-Joe Al ‘Abdurrahman’s shadowy Taq Hamas Revolutionary Venture Funding Cell.

1. Scanners

Has a subdermal implant that allows him to copy, then forward, digital files from any format. The “leaks” involved in the publication of the Afghan, Iraqi and diplomatic documents was of a different order than is commonly understood. Visiting various owners of these documents, he asked to “use the bathroom,” where he ran the part of his body containing the scanner over the documents in question, a practice known in the Wikileaks inner circle as “scroting” the documents.

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