Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof

PIRATES! A Sitcom

In Sitcom on February 8, 2010 at 3:06 am

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P I L O T !

EXT. COLD OPEN – DECK OF A PIRATE SHIP

A dashing young man stands in the bow of a ship, impeccably dressed in a piratey version of the fashion of the latter half of the 17th century, including frilly shirt and enormous hat. He’s also wearing an eyepatch and an earring. He draws a cutlass and effortlessly puts to flight two villains attempting to attack him. He jumps onto a hawser and swings out across the deck, sweeping up an unrealistically buxom and unconvincingly innocent lass in his arms, depositing her on the bridge and swinging back, now unaccountably clenching a knife in his teeth. He drops onto the deck in the midst of a group of ugly pirates, slips, falls on his face and jumps back up, screaming, the knife now halfway to the back of his head.

INT. A SHABBY UPSTAIRS ROOM

The same man, Lloyd, distinctly less dashing, clad in a rumpled nightshirt, pries himself off the floor where he has fallen. He holds a quill pen crosswise in his mouth, the side of his face wet with black ink. He has fallen out of bed, headfirst onto a small writing desk. He spits out the quill and drops down dejectedly on the bed. Bright sunshine is pouring through a dusty window and the room is full of the sounds of the street.

STREETS OF PORT ROYAL – CONTINUOUS

Lloyd emerges, carrying a satchel under one arm. The side of his face, which is the picture of blank, hopeless endurance, is still shadowed by the stain of the ink he could not wipe off. He’s dressed in the costume of the typical mercantile agent he is. He stuffs the tail of his shirt into his breeches as he walks. The street is loud and bright and full of the activity you would expect from a noisy, disreputable boomtown where people are making money and are not terribly concerned how ethically they do it. Lloyd walks into an open-fronted tavern and grabs the cup that had been placed on the bar for him. He drinks it quickly, without enjoyment, while looking over a newspaper, plunks down a coin and leaves. He walks through town mechanically. At one point pirates, clearly up all night, burst from the door of the Scurvy Land Lubber’s Dog, a tavern. He gazes wistfully as one of the pirates grabs a serving woman and kisses her on the mouth. From the top of the high street, he gazes down at the harbor, a forest of masts. A man approaches him.
EZEKIEL
Golden Hind’s in from Boston.

LLOYD NODS

Timber’s coming off now. We’ll load the sugar this afternoon.

LLOYD
Alright, Ezekiel. See you down there.

EZEKIEL
Yes, sir. Oh, sir. A letter come in with the ship. For you.

LLOYD OPENS THE LETTER AND READS.

LLOYD LLEWELLYN MORGAN JR.
(VO)
I have heard from the Governor, Sir Thomas, that although you were invited to one of his balls, you elected not to attend. I need hardly remind you the benefit that inheres to being in His Honor’s good graces. This sort of behavior, coupled with your steadfast unwillingness-call it intransigence rather-to take advantage of the burgeoning slave trade, has led me to the conclusion that you are not the right Morgan to run our Jamaica concern. I am sending out your brother Llewellyn on the next ship to take over from you. I can scarce afford to lose him, but it appears that neither can I afford not to send him. He should arrive at Port Royal by the end of May. I expect you to return by the same ship. There is plenty for you to do in Boston. Your father, Lloyd Llewellyn Morgan, Senior, this 25th day of April, 1670.

LLOYD
Well that’s just super.

HE CRUMPLES UP THE LETTER IN HIS FIST. IMPULSIVELY, HE HEADS FOR THE SCURVY LANDLUBBER’S DOG.

INT. BAR – MOMENTS LATER

LLOYD

(to bartender, indicating cup)
What is this?

BARTENDER
Grog.

LLOYD
What’s grog?

BARTENDER
No one’s really sure.

BARTENDER SHRUGS. LLOYD DRINKS AGAIN

LLOYD
Good though.

LLOYD PULLS OUT THE CRUMPLED UP LETTER FROM HIS FATHER AND READS IT AGAIN

BARTENDER
Bad news?

LLOYD
They’re sending my precious, perfect little brother down. I’m disappointing even in exile, apparently. Not exporting enough slaves to the colonies, it seems. Never mind the deals I’ve struck with the sugar and rum people mean our margin on those products is much wider than on slaves. Never mind I’m good at this, even though I hate it.

BARTENDER
Boring is it?

LLOYD
Unspeakably tedious. But I did it without a squeak. Now the golden-haired Llewellyn Junior is sweeping in to save what doesn’t need saving.

BARTENDER
Sounds like you should tell them to stick it.

LLOYD
(rolling his eyes)
Well, you should meet Lloyd Llewellyn Morgan, Senior. Man of the hour.

BARTENDER
A change of scene, that’s what you need.

LLOYD
I wish I could.
(shakes his head)

BARTENDER
I insist.

LLOYD
I appreciate your concern…

BARTENDER
Pirate says what?

LLOYD
What?

A TRAPDOOR FALLS OPEN BENEATH LLOYD AND HE DISAPPEARS. TRAP DOOR COMES BACK UP AND ANOTHER PERSON TAKES LLOYD’S PLACE AT THE BAR.

BARTENDER
Have some grog, friend. You look like you could use it.

STRANGER
What’s grog?

END COLD OPEN

***

ACT ONE

INT. PIRATE SHIP – DAY

Creaking is involved. Lloyd wakes up. Panicked, he jumps out of the berth where he had been lying. A thin, older man is waiting for him with a basin and towel.

PERCY
Ah, sir is awake. Good. This way please.

LLOYD
What? Where? How?

PERCY
Yes, all in good time, sir. This way.

LLOYD
Where are we going?

PERCY
To the Whatnottery, sir.

LLOYD
What?

PERCY
Quite.

PERCY OPENS A STORE ROOM. IN IT IS EVERY CLICHE IN THE PIRATE VOCABULARY.

Alright, let’s get you outfitted. I think for sir a Spanish admiral’s jacket…
(pushes the things he names into Lloyd’s hands)
A dirk, this cutlass is rather nice, monogrammed. Your name does not by chance begin with a T, does it?

LLOYD
Lloyd.

PERCY
Spanish hat with a plume, keep that Spanish theme going. Here’s a baldric for the cutlass, always nice. Fancy a parrot?

LLOYD
No.

PERCY
Can’t say as I blame you. Ferret then?

LLOYD
No.

PERCY

Nice pair of boots, go up to your knees. Ah, a collection of various medals. No beard so these beads and charms aren’t of interest. And…a pistol.That should do it. I’ll await sir topside.

LLOYD
But…

PERCY
Captain’ll want to see you, sir.

EXT. DECK OF PIRATE SHIP – MINUTES LATER

LLOYD EMERGES FROM HOLD.

PERCY
Ah, you look a regular pirate, sir.

LLOYD
(blinking at the light)
I’ve been Shanghaied?

PERCY
Not familiar with the term, sir.

LLOYD
Pressed into service?

PERCY
Ah, quite.

LLOYD
Pirates don’t Shanghai people.

PERCY
I’ll let the captain know sir. If you would follow me up to the bridge, please. We’ll have to be brief as we are about to engage.

LLOYD
Engage what?

PERCY
With the Royal Navy, sir. It seems they would like to kill us all.

LLOYD
Why?

PERCY
(contemptuously)
We do not carry a letter of marque, sir.

LLOYD FOLLOWS PERCY UP A LADDER TO THE BRIDGE.

PERCY (CONT’D)
The new recruit, Captain.

The captain, a titanic man with a forked black beard, cutlass in one hand and a musketoon in the other, eyeballs Lloyd, then looks away.

CAPTAIN
Avast, ye lubber! Stand to!

LLOYD LOOKS TO PERCY

PERCY
He says welcome aboard and he looks forward to a long and profitable relationship with you. Mind your Ps and Qs and obey the Jamaica Discipline and
(points down at a suspicious-looking object on the deck that looks like a cross between a gin mill, a log splitter and a radio)
there’ll be no need to employ the Ghastly Biblical Gadget.

MORE ARGHING.

PERCY (CONT’D)
The captain suggests you ready weapons.

LLOYD
Why?

PERCY
Remember that engagement I told you about?

Percy points to where a gigantic British Man o’ War is bearing down on them. They hurriedly draw swords and pistols. The captain roars at the crew and they man stations.

As the Navy ship and the pirate ship meet, Lloyd lurches. He stabs the captain through the middle with his cutlass. The captain looks at Lloyd with shock and rage. The pirate ship sways back and the captain is pulled off Lloyd’s blade. He dies and falls to the ground. The crew freezes.

PIRATE
(from deck)
Here, now, he killed the captain, he did!

PERCY LOOKS DOWN AT THE PARALYZED CREW, THEN AT THE ROYAL NAVY SHIP, THEN AT LLOYD AND BACK TO THE CREW

PERCY
This is your new captain, init? Now shove up the rum hammers! Grind down the flan hampers and step lively!
(To Lloyd )
Step aside and keep out of the way. It’s one thing to kill the captain. It’s quite another to kill the ship’s boy.

LLOYD
Why did you tell them…? I’m the captain now? We’re screwed!

PERCY
Desperate times call for desperate measures, sir.

LLOYD
What do I do?

PERCY
Aside from keeping out of the way? i would suggest “Aargh!” and so forth.

LLOYD
Oh. Aargh!

Every pirate on the ship swings on ropes at once from every direction, brandishing cutlasses. Aarghing ensues. Montage of close-ups of blunderbusses, musketoons, flintlocks firing, along with, unaccountably, a Smith & Wesson revolver, a .38 magnum, a Walther PPK, a phaser and a slingshot.

Pan out to the pirates getting their asses kicked, some on their backs kicking like kittens, some squealing girlishly, Three Stooges-style self-administered walloping and so forth.

LLOYD (CONT’D)
My God, we’re terrible. I’m…I’m the captain am I?

PERCY
Sure, why not?

LLOYD
Is this boat fast?

PERCY
Ship.

LLOYD
Fast?

PERCY
Quite.

LLOYD
And you said I’m the captain?

PERCY
It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it.

LLOYD
Right. And are these guys any better at running away than they are at fighting?

PERCY
Surprisingly able, sir.

LLOYD
Would a ‘sound the retreat’ type thing be at all within the realm of possibility?

PERCY
I don’t see why not, sir.
(to the crew)
Snuggle the fo’c’stle, ye fahrvergnĂĽgene biscuit nibblers! Spangle the foolscap! Bedazzle the mains’l! Reef on the danglers and launch goulash, ye knick-knack-dusting trollop polishers!

***

ACT TWO

EXT. OPEN OCEAN – AN HOUR LATER

PERCY STANDS ON THE BRIDGE, MAURICE AND LLOYD BEHIND HIM.

PERCY
Now listen up, you slightly uncomfortable and slightly damp batch of wholesaling company records clerks!

LLOYD
I was a clerk.

PERCY
(aside to Lloyd)
You’ll probably want to avoid saying anything to the crew about that, sir. We’ll need to provide you with an alternative story, sir. For the men.

HE THINKS

Got it!
(to the crew)
Gather in, you button-collecting plantain farmers! Having secured his position by right of personal combat, this is your new captain, Lloyd Morgan, Jr. Known by murderous scum and alley rats from Bermuda to Barbados as “The Undertaker.” Call him “captain” or he’ll exercise his professional calling on your scrofulous asses. Under the leadership of Captain Morgan you will fight and you will seize and you will rob and kill and die. Do what he says and you’ll do more of the robbin’ and less of the dyin’. The Undertaker lays ’em out and you takes the coins from their pockets. Do what you’re told and those coins won’t be laid on your own eyes. Now let me hear it you crate full of embroidered silk coin purses!

CRUNCHY JOHNSON
Here now, who says he’s captain? And nobody relieved me of my position of first mate neither and I don’t aim to for anybody doing that neither. Or words to that effect.

PERCY
Who do you propose for captain, Crunchy Johnson?

CRUNCHY JOHNSON
Me.

PERCY
Very well, come up here, Mr. Johnson. Now, crew, by acclamation, who wishes to see as captain of this vessel Lloyd Morgan, Jr., known as The Undertaker.

CREW CHEERS, HALF-HEARTEDLY, WITH SOME WHY NOT?-S AND SOME SIX OF ONE, HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER-S THROWN IN FOR GOOD MEASURE

PERCY (CONT’D)
And who prefers Crunchy Johnson?

A SMATTERING, PUNCTUATED WITH SHRUGS AND “EH”S.

PERCY (CONT’D)
I present to you your new captain, The Undertaker of Port Royal, Lloyd Morgan, Jr.!

CREW CHEERS

PERCY (CONT’D)
Now get back to work you lousy bunch of sub-editors, tradesmen and tire formers!

CRUNCHY SLINKS AWAY SULLENLY, SNEAKING HATEFUL LOOKS AT THE NEW CAPTAIN

EXT. BRIDGE – SOME MINUTES LATER

LLOYD
What’s the name of this ship?

PERCY
Dunno, captain. Captain never said.

LLOYD
Your captain never had occasion to mention the name of his own ship?

PERCY
Nosir.

LLOYD
And you never thought to ask?

PERCY
Hardly my business is it, sir?

LLOYD
We must be laughing stocks.

PERCY
Killing usually took care of the laughing, sir.

LLOYD
Considering I’ve seen the men fight, I’m going to stick with “laughing stocks.” Anyway, the ship should have a name.

PERCY
What do you think you’ll call ‘er?

LLOYD
I’ve had very limited experience in the naming of pirate boats.

PERCY
Ships, sir. Let’s go with “ships” if you don’t mind. Men are rather partial to that term. Take umbrage at the word boat.

LLOYD
Umbrage?

PERCY
They take it.

LLOYD
Can’t have that.

PERCY
Nosir.

LLOYD
Alright, call the men together.

PERCY
Listen up you bunch of damned dirty apes! Captain wants to speak.

LLOYD
Alright there, men. For the most part. This boat…

PERCY
Ship!

LLOYD
This ship needs a name. I’m soliciting your input on this matter.

CREW IS SILENT.

PERCY
He means give him a name for the ship, you dress-wearing abusers of over-the-counter cold remedies!
(Aside to Lloyd)
May want to be just a smidgen more tyrannous, sir.

LLOYD
How’s that?

PERCY
Little more…captainy if you will.

LLOYD
Listen up you, people. Give me some names for the ship or I’ll, I’ll, well, it’s that…Ghastly Biblical Gadget for you.

CREW IS AGHAST

(To Percy) Too far?

PERCY
A little harsh, sir, yes.

LLOYD
Alright. Well, I’ll remember that.

PERCY
Out wi’ it, you kitty-pettin’ lacrosse players!

LADY JANE
The Minnow!

LLOYD
Well, that’s not good.

KILLY MCDEATHSTAB
The Stabber!

CHRIS JOHNSON
The Jesus Lover!

REG MANLY
Lorelei!

LLOYD
That’s nice. Little flowery maybe for a pirate ship. Boat! Ship!

NEVILLE
Proberta Gerber!

LLOYD
That’s awful.

ZHENG ZHI
Iron Maiden!

LLOYD
Doesn’t sound very seaworthy.

ONE-EYE
The Ravisher!

LLOYD
That narrows the focus a bit too much.

LORD SAMUEL
Pirate of the Sea!

LLOYD
That’s silly.

SALVADOR MEXIAS-HEREDIA
Pirata del Mar!

LLOYD
That sounds nice. What’s that mean?

PERCY
Pirate of the Sea.

LLOYD
Oh, now you’re not even trying!

AHMAD IBN ZBISS
The Albatross!

LLOYD
I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

ARSLAN
Aaaargh!

LLOYD
Yes, thank you.

QUEEHOG
The Kestrel!

LLOYD
Can we get off the birds?

PERCY
Nice bird, though, the kestrel. Sleek, swift.

LLOYD
The Kestrel. Yes, OK. Not bad. The Kestrel, then?

PERCY
Suits me, sir. But then, most things do.

LLOYD
This ship is called The Kestrel!

CHEERS GO UP FROM THE CREW

See what happens when we all work together?

SILENCE. THE SOUND OF CRICKETS. A TUMBLEWEEK ROLLS BY.

(Brandishing cutlass)
Aargh!

CHEERS

LLOYD (CONT’D)
Extra steak for the pirate who suggested Kestrel!

PERCY
Salt pork, sir.

LLOYD
Salt pork, I mean! And a bottle of wine too!

PERCY
Grog, sir.

LLOYD
Right. Grog, is it?

PERCY
Yesir.

LLOYD
What’s grog now?

PERCY
Not sure anyone knows, sir.

LLOYD
Well, alright then, grog. Percy?

PERCY
Sir?

LLOYD
Maybe we should look into seizing a restaurant supply boat. Ship.

INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – AN HOUR LATER

PERCY
Sir, you will need to appoint a first mate.

LLOYD
How about you, Percy?

PERCY
Thank you, sir, but I am perfectly happy with my current position as ship’s boy.

LLOYD
Ah, alright. What about that chap who served under the former captain?

PERCY
Crunchy Johnson? It would allow some consistency during this transitional period. But he is not terribly popular with the crew. And he has ambitions.

LLOYD
Nothing wrong with having ambitions, Percy.

PERCY
On the captaincy, sir.

LLOYD
Ooh. Well, warning noted and appreciated, Percy. Still, I think I’ll allow him to retain the position he has worked so hard to reach. There is nothing worse than unmerited dismissal, Percy.

PERCY
Some feel getting stabbed in the eye is somewhat worse, sir.

LLOYD
Point taken, Percy.

***

ACT THREE

EXT. BRIDGE – NEXT DAY

ARSLAN
(from crow’s nest, pointing)
Aargh, argh! Aye, blimey. Avast! Oh, har. Yar!

PERCY
Ship sighted! In positions! Wind up the yard arm! Scriven the turnbuckle! Shaft the squishies, ye hard-bargaining fruit and vegetable cart franchisees!

LLOYD EMERGES FROM QUARTERS

PERCY (CONT’D)
(pointing)
Time to unleash the pirate within, Captain.

LLOYD
What?

PERCY
That ship is from the Spanish treasure fleet.

LLOYD
Well, let’s go get it, I suppose. That’s what pirates do, right?

PERCY
Jolly good sir. This is your chance to prove your mettle, sir.

LLOYD
Well, I’m looking forward to that. (Beat) Is that a mirage, or are there two more ships following the Spanish one?

INT. HOLD – HOURS LATER

The crew march in with chests, tossing them down, others bring in arm-loads of swords, even a painting or two and some tapestries, a case of wine. Cheers. Boisterousness. Whatnottery.

GRIMES
You crippled those two other ships, Captain, and took the third. And a fully loaded galleon of the Spanish treasure fleet at that. Well done, sir.

SALVADOR MEXIAS-HEREDIA
Extraordinary job, Captain. We had no idea you were so bloodthirsty. Talk about leading from the front!

CHEERS

LLOYD
You’re all too kind. It was you lot who were bloodthirsty.

THEY DUCK THEIR HEADS AND SCUFF THE BOARDS.

LLOYD (CONT’D)
Well, I guess you should divide up the treasure, Mr. Johnson. I trust we have to-go bags or something of that nature?

INT. CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS – MOMENTS LATER

PERCY
You did well, Captain. Startlingly so. You’ll get no trouble from the men, most of them anyway. There is one thing, though, sir. You are now the captain of a pirate ship, for real and true. A genuine buccaneer. You have enemies now. Modyford, sir.

LLOYD
The Governor? Ugh. I hate that guy so much.

PERCY
Yesir. And he hates you. He hates pirates, free pirates, as much as he may use “privateers” against the Spanish and French. But he hates you. You took that Spanish ship from him. From Henry Morgan, too, for that matter. He was in command of the other English ship.

LLOYD
Henry Morgan, the famous pirate?

PERCY
(sneers)
Hardly sir. The other Mr. Morgan is a mere privateer. No relation, sir? No, I thought not. Mr. Morgan carries a…letter of marque, sir, from the Governor of Jamaica. Disgusting. Still, he is powerful and ruthless and you’ve taken treasure that he no doubt considers his. And let us not forget Esmerelda.

LLOYD
No, absolutely not. Who now?

PERCY
She is the captain of the other pirate ship we beat out for the Maravilla’s treasure, sir. The Tu Madre Gran Puta del Mundo. So, in one raid you alienated the Spanish government, a powerful privateer, a vindictive woman pirate and the governor of Jamaica. Well done, sir.

LLOYD
Well, you can’t make an omelette without breaking some eggs, am I right Percy?

PERCY
I see sir has fully entered into the spirit of the thing.

ENTER ONE-EYE

ONE-EYE
Sir, Esmerelda is here!

LLOYD
The pirate lady?

ONE-EYE
She’s no lady.

LLOYD
Good grief, man. I thought this was a secret cove! What does she want?

ONE-EYE
Wants to talk to you, Captain. Wants to talk to the “bled out haddock, the soulless technocrat, the mincing haberdasher, liberally streaked with unnameable filth, who treacherously…”

LLOYD
That is quite enough. Let the lady insult me herself.

ONE-EYE MOTIONS AND ESMERELDA ENTERS.

ESMERELDA
You kill my man and now you steal my treasure! You cannot have done either in a fair fight.

LLOYD’S JAW DROPS. THIS IS THE SAME WOMAN FROM HIS DREAM, THOUGH LESS PREPOSTEROUSLY BUXOM AND CERTAINLY NEITHER INNOCENT NOR IN NEED OF HIS HELP.

LLOYD
I…I killed your man?

PERCY
She and the former captain were affianced.

ONE-EYE
Until she tried to cut off his unit.

PERCY
That ended the relationship.

LLOYD
Yes, thank you, Percy. Madam, my killing of your former fiance was unintentional. As to ‘your’ treasure, I’m sorry, but it’s catch as catch can, if I understand these things correctly.

ESMERELDA
You do not, you lubber of the land. How did you kill that great pirate, that towering keg of gun powder? How? Poison?

LLOYD
I stabbed him. It was an accident, though.

PERCY CLEARS HIS THROAT

LLOYD (CONT’D)
Accidentally awesome I mean.

ESMERELDA
Understand this. You have made an enemy of me. I will not rest until I sever your head from your body, not until I cut off your testicles and feed them to a real kestrel.

LLOYD
Don’t do that.

ESMERELDA
Oh, but I will. Then I will scuttle your ship. No, worse still, I will turn it into a boat for carrying turnips to New Holland.

THE CREWMEMBERS PRESENT GASP

ESMERELDA (CONT’D)
(to crew)
No offense intended. He talked in such glowing terms about his crew.
(to Lloyd)
I will see your dead, testicle-free and decapitated body impaled on the Ghastly Biblical Gadget before I follow Him to my final rest.

ESMERELDA STORMS OUT, LLOYD DISMISSES THE CREW, WHO EXIT, EXCEPT FOR PERCY

LLOYD
I think she likes me. You think she likes me, Percy? I think she likes me. (Beat) I may have some unresolved personal issues, Percy.

PERCY
Don’t we all, sir.

EXT. STREET OF PORT ROYAL – DAY

LLOYD STANDS ON THE STREET, ACCOMPANIED BY PERCY, ONE-EYE, GRIMES AND ARSLAN, LOOKING INTO THE OPEN-FRONTED WAREHOUSE OF HIS FAMILY’S BUSINESS. ABOVE THE OPENING A SIGN HANGS, “MORGAN AND SONS.” HE GOES IN.

INT. OFFICES – MOMENTS LATER

LLOYD
Hello, Llewellyn.

LLEWELLYN
How dare you address me by my Christian…Lloyd? Lloyd!

LLOYD
Yes.

LLEWELLYN
What…? How have you…? We’ve been looking for you for weeks, brother! How dare you desert your office? Father will be furious. The ship left already that was due to take you home.

LLOYD
I found another.

LLEWELLYN
It won’t do, though, brother. It will not do. Brother, you’ve never taken your responsibilities seriously and now you’re for it. You’ve been a grave disappointment to our father. I’ve tried to soften him toward you but I don’t feel I can do even that any more. You’ll be lucky not to be disowned. And what’s this ridiculous outfit? What is this ridiculous costume? Are you supposed to be a pirate? Ridiculous. You’ve made an ass out of yourself again and shamed father. Who would mistake you for a pirate, you lazy booby…?

LLOYD STEPS FORWARD AND FLOORS LLEWELLYN WITH A SINGLE SAVAGE RIGHT HOOK. LLEWELLYN HITS THE BOARDS LIKE A SACK OF NAILS.

LLOYD
I am a pirate, you dunce ass calf blockhead and fool, you precious, impudent and paltry fop. Don’t call me brother again. I am the captain of the most fearsome pirate boat…

PERCY
(from below)
Ship!

LLOYD
Ship, ship that ever sailed. Watch your cargoes when you’re in my water.

EXT. STREET – MOMENTS LATER

PERCY
Go alright, Captain?

LLOYD
As well as could be expected, Percy, thank you.

ONE-EYE
Hope you’re not too sad to leave home, sir.

LLOYD
I’m not leaving home, One-Eye. I’m going there now.

THEY WALK OFF, DOWN THE STREET TOWARD THE WATER

ONE-EYE
To the Kestrel you mean?

LLOYD
Aye. That’s the one.

ARSLAN
Argh, argh-argh. Har har har. Yar!

ONE-EYE
He makes sense, Captain, if you don’t mind my saying.

LLOYD
I suppose one drink couldn’t hurt us, could it? To the Scurvy Land Lubber’s Dog then.

ALL
(except Lloyd)
Oh, we of the Kestrel are mighty in deed,
Hated on land and feared on the sea,
From Kitts to Grenada to Barthelemy
Breeches and codpieces fill up with pee!

LLOYD
Hey, you guys have been practicing. Sounds good.

ALL
We’re guilty of murder and forcible entry,
Of blasphemy, theft and of criminal threatening,
Occasionally questioned on matters of piracy,
We of the Kestrel are mighty indeed!

END

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