- Possessing poultry within city limits
- Writing haiku in English
- “Washing up” in a Starbucks bathroom
- Waving a car through an intersection
- Issuing instructions to others via bumper stickers
- Taking part in a “drum circle”**
- Responding to a request from a patron with a proclamation of abstinence***
- Using the word “impact” to refer to anything besides a meteorite or a tooth
- Wearing pedal pushers (Capri pants, clam diggers, etc.)
- Calling installations “art”
- Riding a Segway
- Riding a unicycle
- Using Barkomulch
*Depending on the state, vehicular homicide penalties range from one and 10 years in prison. This is for first offences. A repeat offence would automatically result in the death penalty.
**Unless you are an enrolled member of one of the 562 federally-recognized Indian tribes in the United States.
***If I ask you whether you have New York steaks, there are only two possible answers: “Yes,” followed by directions to the meat department, or “No.” “I don’t eat meat” is not an option for you. I don’t give a shit what you do on your own time. I expect you to know the stock of the store that pays your wages and to whom I pay mine. I expect you to know what Marlboros, Sancerre, C&H, Wonder Bread and Round Up are, whether or not the store where you work stocks them and, if so, where in the store they are to be found. Have I made myself clear?