Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof

Idiot Nation: An Historical Docudrama of the 1993 West Covina Parking Lot Rebellion

In Drama, Superintelligent sea cucumbers on December 29, 2005 at 10:51 pm

CHARACTERS
Hillbilly Revolutionaries (#1 – #4)
Kennesaw Mountain Landis
Fluffy, a truck driver
Pup Scooby
Lobster St. Stunt Breast, a bon vivant
Live First Alert Doppler 8000, a weather-forecasting system
Waitresses
Bishop

Throughout the play music should come in, as though it were making a cinematic comment on the action. But it isn’t. It is totally random. Waitresses appear and disappear, delivering food and glasses of water, pouring coffee, dropping off checks and so on. This is also random. All the waitresses should look identical. Or different.

AN IHOP NEXT TO THE PAY ‘N’ PAK IN THE WEST COVINA SHOPPING CENTRE IN THE 1990S
Hillbilly revolutionaries (#1 – 4) are seated at a table. Kennesaw Mountain Landis sits at the adjacent counter. Lobster St. Stunt Breast and Live First Alert Doppler 8000 share a nearby table. Pup Scooby sits by himself in a booth.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Someone I had written, and didn’t personally know, called just now and asked, “So, are you a clown?”

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
No but I kill them sometimes for money.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Once upon a time, in Nova Scotia, a florist hired people to dress up like clowns and stand by the side of the road and wave to people. And then someone drove up and shot one. The end.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
The remaining clowns gave chase but 35 clowns in a tiny car make for difficult cornering and sluggish acceleration. They went home and painted tears in the corner of their eyes. Then they ate the dead clown.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Once when I was a kid in East Oakland, a clown who had been (probably) trying to get kids to laugh for years got very drunk and despondent, and held up the liquor store in our neighborhood. Seeing as how he was drunk, he failed to make a quick getaway, and the cops grabbed him right after school had let out. As the clown was led from the store to the paddy wagon, all the children gathered around and laughed and laughed. He should have been happy, having finally brought smiles and laughter to the children’s faces, but you could tell he was not. He was very sad. Clowns are naturally sad, at least I think so. This is a true story. The End.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
She was a good cook, as good cooks go, and as good cooks go she went.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
An’ when she goed she took away mah sniffin’ leaf! What good is a man in this shah would wiffout yahs sniffin’ leaf?

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
You are all, I say, you are all to a man, impecunious and quarrelsome.

PUP SCOOBY
aside to audience
I’m sitting back into a big couch of bugs.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
We must form a society dedicated to stimulating interest in grilled meats.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Nonsense. We are nothing if not a coterie of ragout enthusiasts. It’s time we acted like one.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
You can put your dry, radiant purse on if you want.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
I’d shoulder a box of light if I could.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
I verge on knowing. Snowflake engine.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
A program is of the essence. It will guide us.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Start thusly: “The dead sun lies in the sky like a stone in a puddle.”

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
And then, “This page left intentionally blank.”

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Perfect. Exactly what we believe to be true down to the tiniest micron of factuality and truthfulness.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Doorbell.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Coveralls.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Dune buggy.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Cornmeal.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Cornmeal?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
I think it’s relevant.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
It’s counter-revolutionary.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
It’s relevant.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
It’s reactionary.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
I just want to kill people. Is that so wrong?

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Table it for now.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Good advice. Thank you Live Alert Doppler 8000.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Don’t mention it.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
Return, I say, return the genius to his crawlspace, to the icy cold of outer space in a cup, to the icy cold of outer shorts, to the Outer Banks.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
What happens when science and moisture come together?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
A long metal ball shines slowly into tube socks?

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Precisely.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
The magnesium chair hates being ignored.

PUP SCOOBY
Look at it, Omar! You said I wouldn’t do it, but I did. Isn’t it beautiful? Look how it burns!

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Programmatic antithesis to the backwash dillweed protocol? I promote it honestly.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Hosiery it is. And larceny.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
There are things to destroy, to forbid in your mind, to bump against and the glasses go spinning. The rest of mankind is sad in its salad of darkness. I have energy that must be used to explode the crotches of astronaut suits!

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
At all costs!

PUP SCOOBY
aside to audience
Arguably, I’m a double agent. I sit on my toadstool cynically. But in all probability, I am in wonder at the moment your soaking in it.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Last night I went to the theatre.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
I love, I say, I do love the theatre.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
In the seat before me was a mother and her young child. So I—this is outrageous, you’ll love it—I stuck my ass over the seat…and I farted straight into the youngster’s face. Precious!

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
That’s, I say, that’s outrageous indeed. You sir, are a no good, common thing.

He slaps St. Stunt Breast across the face with a foam “We’re #1!” finger. St. Stunt Breast leaps to his face, shocked and outraged. “Can-Can” music erupts and lines of pants drop into the set, which launch into the dance of the same name. The music stops suddenly and the pants disappear.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
I accept your challenge, sir.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
The choice of weapons is yours.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
I knew that. I choose the 2×4 with a nail in it.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
So be it. At sunset outside the One Hour Photo Hut over by the DMV.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
OK, that sounds super.

PUP SCOOBY
The steady crunch crunch crunch of regimented rows of shining metal linking horizon to horizon warns the broken thermometer of an experiment gone horribly horribly, no, no experiment, a simple fact of unspeakable madness and horror, across the frozen crust of Norway march the hundred thousand metal robots with their ivory teeth and marbles in their eye holes spinning around, merciless soulless robots crunching into the pine forests to tear apart the sweet delicious meat-bones of the innocent like a fire consuming everything in its path.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
The white-yellow hair-like weeds are floating in the water glass.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
From the cellulose bulb crucified by toothpicks?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
In the window frosted with a hundred thousand doses of solar radiation and the cotton candy of kitchen dirt spinning in the aluminum slide track?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Near the glass hunks blued by lightning?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Near the rattlesnake-infested heat-warped Table Rock crusty with baked juniper?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
All that and more. The water is the color of an onion and the fingerprint glass smudged with old grease.

PUP SCOOBY
I’m an old creep named Nancy.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
(to Kennesaw Mountain Landis)
Did I mention that the child I farted on had enormous tits?

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
I’ll kill you.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Each summer I used to go up to my Uncle Frederick’s house in Maine. There I would drag horseshoe crabs out of the surf and make love to them.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Justicat the hell are you doing?

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Leave now. I’m busy—being so rich and evil.

Enter Fluffy, fresh from long haul truckin’.

FLUFFY
Man am I glad to come in off the road where I have been long haul truckin’.
to Pup Scooby
Hey, remember the thing that guy had?

PUP SCOOBY
The thing with the stuff on it?

FLUFFY
No, it had this thing, with the other thing next to it.

PUP SCOOBY
Oh, right.

FLUFFY
Well, I got one.

PUP SCOOBY
No kidding? Where’d you pick it up?

FLUFFY
Over at the place, by the thing out there?

PUP SCOOBY
Sure, sure. How’s it work?

FLUFFY
The thing goes right in.

PUP SCOOBY
Underneath?

FLUFFY
Exactly. But you can switch it around to the top.

PUP SCOOBY
Well, that’s great. Did you tell the guy?

FLUFFY
No, but I’m going to.

PUP SCOOBY
I got a truckload of Bigelow’s sneezeweed going to be delivered this very day.

FLUFFY
No!

PUP SCOOBY
It’s true. A whole truckload of Bigelow’s sneezeweed.

FLUFFY
Not here?

PUP SCOOBY
Right here. Right in the parking lot here.

FLUFFY
Good stuff?

PUP SCOOBY
These doggies will blow your choppers off.

Fluffy whistles.

PUP SCOOBY (CONT’D)
I know!

FLUFFY
Who’d you get it from?

PUP SCOOBY
Charismatic Cult Leader.

FLUFFY
Charismatic Cult Leader?

PUP SCOOBY
A big old truck full of yellow Bigelow’s sneezeweed from the shores of Fourmile Lake going to be delivered right here in this parking lot, today, by Charismatic Cult Leader.

FLUFFY
Well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle.

PUP SCOOBY
Indeed you shall be a monkey’s uncle, my friend.

FLUFFY
Hey, we could use my thing on it!

PUP SCOOBY
Now you’re cooking with gas, my friend.

FLUFFY
I’m not just whistling Dixie.

PUP SCOOBY
Certainly not, my friend, certainly not. You are certainly not just whistling Dixie. Mum’s the word, though. No need to make our hillbilly friends any more nervous than they already are.

FLUFFY
Understood. Roger cerulean Bronco and all that.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
holding up a crooked left index finger
Have you met Mr. Fingie?

Fluffy begins to respond.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000 (CONT’D)
Ah, ah, ah! You know it’s against our rules to talk, it’s against Mr. Fingie’s rules to talk when Mr. Fingie is talking.

He holds up his right hand, palm out, against his face.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000 (CONT’D)
And have you met my brother Hans? Say hello to my brother, Hans, gentlemen.

FLUFFY
Uh…

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Say hi to the boys, Hans.

PUP SCOOBY
I…

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Yeah-heah! Yeah-heah! You know what? These guys are my Sonny and Cher. Wrinkled, damp and they smell like shit. You know what I mean? You know what I’m saying? Do you know what I mean?

He walks away.

PUP SCOOBY
I wager you a public ass-tonguing in St. Peter’s Square that it rains today.

FLUFFY
You’re on.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
indicating Kennesaw Mountain Landis
His whole world is changing around him. He thinks he’s standing fast, but he’s really just doddering.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
He thinks he’s a hero for fighting against overwhelming odds but he really just looks pitiful.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Blood oranges are worth talking about. See blood oranges are different and if you say “blood oranges” it means you’re different and by different I mean better, better than others. Oh, you don’t eat blood oranges? Oh, you really must try. What? You’ve never even heard of them? You’re not sophisticated like me. Sophisticated people, and by sophisticated I mean better, we know about stuff like blood oranges and tailored English three-button spread-collar Turnbull & Asser shirts. It’s not products. It’s talking about products. Even places are products, really.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
We have a squadron of 500 highly-trained, naked Weeblos painted blue and armed with fire-hardened stakes waiting in a warehouse in San Pedro. They will be the first wave. They will crash against the Pigs and the Pigs will squeal.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
Did you read this?

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
What is it?

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
From the paper. Here: “A visibly drunk King Fahd staggered into the Riyadh airport today in the company of two half-naked African boys. The King had called a press conference to address what his staff termed ‘radical changes’ in the conservative Arabian kingdom. Fahd, whose royal duties were largely taken over by Crown Prince Abdullah after a stroke five years ago, proclaimed his intent to open a disco on the site of Islam’s holiest structure, the Kaaba, in the city of Mecca. ‘It called ‘Ass Boy’ and have big DJ, Cher come, you know,’ said the King. ‘We fuckin’ dance all day long, right?’ The King, whose thobe and gutra were soiled and dank, frequently interrupted reporters’ questions to fondle his charges. At one point, yelling incoherently and bursting into tears, he parted his robe, seized his genitals with a visibly unwashed hand, and shook them, as he danced and sang what some took to be pop singer Madonna’s song, ‘Like A Virgin.’ Fahd further described a ‘10-Point Plan’ to turn Saudi Arabia into ‘Dance Sex Kingdom’ with the help of a Danish accounting firm and to show pornographic films to Bedouin on specially-constructed screens to be set up in the desert.”

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
If we were looking for foment, we could cold roll no harder steel. Charlatans in headgear and gym shorts cold read rubes in malls and we just sit here talking.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
And a lummox.

FLUFFY
I hear “they” have “greenlighted” a “biopic” about a peccary with Liev Schreiber to star.

PUP SCOOBY
Is what true?

FLUFFY
Oh, no. I quite believe in God. It’s just that God, it seems, no longer believes in me.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
I have an entire room in my mansion devoted to my collection of erotica. I store it in old pizza boxes. My pride and joy is a little number I picked up at an adult store in White Center late one Thursday night with my friends Eliot Rockett and Corby Poticha. Slumming, you know. A lark. “Butt Pie” it was called. Delightful. Another I love goes by the jejune title, “Manhood Rituals.” Tres recherche!

PUP SCOOBY
I go the air!

FLUFFY
to Lobster St. Stunt Breast
Do you know me, my lord?

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Excellent well. Thou art a fish monger.

PUP SCOOBY
Really! My mother is a fish.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
to Fluffy
Perhaps you know her?

FLUFFY
You know, I think I just might.

PUP SCOOBY
Don’t mind if I do.

FLUFFY
Next year I’m matriculating at Czerny’s “School of Velocity.”

PUP SCOOBY
I once played the glissando octaves in the climactic coda of the “Waldstein” Sonata on an 1828 Graf.

FLUFFY
Limpid thirds melting over the warm glow of an active continuo, the main theme being suffused by a nonchalant optimism worth of Mozart in his most intense D minor mode.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Talking about the manly arts are we? The sweet science? I remember once Lothario Gilda Puffpastry Frobisher Titwillow, Duke of the Two Sicilies, was lunching on cold meats at our weekend place in Cos Cobb. I came in and simply astounded him and the duchess with a rendition of Haydn’s Sonata No. 48 in C, played solely by beating and mashing my turbulent Schroeder against the fingerboard of a 17th century harpsichord formerly owned by John Glenn and one of the Monkees.

A bishop walks sleepily through with only his mitre on and a towel around his waist, a magazine tucked under his arm. When he’s halfway across the stage he realizes there are others, and hurries his pace.

FLUFFY
There is a great mystery at the heart of things.

PUP SCOOBY
I’m beginning to believe you.

FLUFFY
I’m sorry.

PUP SCOOBY
I forgive you. It’s not your fault.

FLUFFY
I have learned nothing but that something remains. Let Thy kingdom come down like water.

Pup Scooby climbs up on the table to pull a chain. Instead of activating a rain machine, he pulls one of the metal sheets off the tank and the sheet comes down, along with all the water at once, onto Fluffy. The sheet impales him to the floor.

PUP SCOOBY
Are you dead?

FLUFFY
Not for lack of trying.

PUP SCOOBY
I beg your pardon. I didn’t mean.

FLUFFY
We always wind up trying to mean.

PUP SCOOBY
We’re just mean.

Pup Scooby pulls out the metal sheet and helps Fluffy back to his booth, trying ineffectually to dry him off.

FLUFFY
There’s something pretentious and dishonest in it.

PUP SCOOBY
The whole thing is gross and self-serving.

FLUFFY
In the morning I look at a lawn mower ad in the paper and my eyes well up with tears.

Fluffy takes off his belt and throws it on the floor. They both look at it.

PUP SCOOBY
Its inertness fills my heart with joy.

FLUFFY
It is the comedian of space.

Silence.

FLUFFY (CONT’D)
The egg is the comedian of fences.

PUP SCOOBY
Putting on a suit of monkeys, however, is the same as a “fence.”

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
The first case is that all of us wear pants made of box light.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
That will blind the police as they pour forth from Koreatown.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
What we are doing is useful. It will change everything. And we’ll be heroes.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
standing, with a clipboard
Hippity-Hop.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Check.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Mr. Microphone.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Check.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Enormous foam cowboy hat.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Check.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Sense of the eternal present.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
What?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Sense of the current moment expanding into a permanent present.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
What the fuck are you talking about?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Self-satisfaction.

HILLBILLIES #1, #3, #4
Check!

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Has the time not come?

HILLBILLIES #1, #3, #4
It has!

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Has the time not come to stage the rebellion?

HILLBILLIES #1, #3, #4
Has it ever!

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
We will control everything!

HILLBILLIES #1, #3, #4
What?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
Nothing.

HILLBILLIES #1, #3, #4
Oh.

The sound of tires squealing is heard and everyone turns toward the windows. The sound of a car crash. Enter the Bishop, with surplice torn, mitre askew and steering wheel around his neck. He staggers like a drunk or a cartoon lion. He pulls off his mitre to reveal a sugar jar, which he pours on the floor while emitting mewling toots, then exits.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
When’s the ferry due in?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
The one to Bremerton docks at 12:30.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
What time is it now?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
12:30.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Then the ferry is docking.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
I see no ferry.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
I see no ocean or other large body of water necessitating nor capable of carrying a ferry.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
A biscuit of dirt has formed in my jean pocket.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Are you a fairy?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Is it 12:30?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
It is.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Shouldn’t the ferry be docking soon?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
It just pulled in. Look. The cars are disembarking.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
The parking lot is as close as we’ll get to an ocean in this programing day. A grey tarry viscous antelope bounding across the jellied sea.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
See? Now that’s my point!

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
What is the rebellion?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
Why, it’s the revolution.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
What’s the revolution?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
It doesn’t matter. It’s never mattered. Why, look at me, I’m revolting. That’s all.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
You talk of revolution! The only thing that matters is tradition—sLemonade on the porch on a summer’s evening, the first debutante ball of the season, niggers calling you sir. And baseball, of course. Always baseball.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
You’re all ridiculous. The only thing that matters is Lobster St. Stunt Breast. What does he want? How could he be made to feel more delighted with himself? When doing anything, first ask yourself, “What would Lobster St. Stunt Breast want me to do?”

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
I’m very sensitive to women. I’m for women’s rights.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Oh, is that your thing?

Live First Alert Doppler 8000 nods with quiet satisfaction.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
I’m frequently outraged.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Stuff is bad?

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Right, like that.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Is that working out for you?

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Like a fucking charm.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Beautiful. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

PUP SCOOBY
Isn’t that Charismatic Cult Leader?

FLUFFY
It is! My truck load of yellow Bigelow’s sneezeweed has arrived from the shores of Fourmile Lake! Oh, joy!

PUP SCOOBY
He’s unloading it. Just as you said.

FLUFFY
He massages a scientific coating into the pressed concavity of rusty nail clusters and razor clumps.

PUP SCOOBY
He’s making the truck bed go all funny and out pours the yellow weed.

FLUFFY
It has begun.

PUP SCOOBY
Did he make that himself?

FLUFFY
The truck?

PUP SCOOBY
The truck bed.

FLUFFY
Oh. Yeah, I think so. He’s got a tin shed out in Ojai. He makes stuff there. He’s got an ideal life.

PUP SCOOBY
Cavemen should not be allowed to pee on goats.

FLUFFY
Especially not aluminum flashing, a railroad siding.

PUP SCOOBY
You know what happened don’t you? He woke up this morning, and said, “Hey! I know!” He had, in other words, an idea.

FLUFFY
I hate it when people have ideas. It almost always turns out badly.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
I have found it! Oh, wonder of wonder, it has descended upon me.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Is it the revolution?

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
No.
df
HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
Is it Art? You could say the bourgeoisie are not as good as you and announce publicly and with great dramatic sadness that you pity them.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
No. No, it is not Art. It is that which everyone should live for.

Hillbilly Revolutionary #2 takes out a chain saw from beneath his seat, fires it up and sets it down on the table where it roars and smoke pours from it. He is rapt. The others react according to their natures, but slowly, they all come around, gather around and regard It with awe. Except for Pup Scooby and Fluffy. Hillbilly Revolutionary #2 shuts the chain saw off.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
It’s… It’s The Answer.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
That it is. It is that. It is exactly that. It’s the answer. What am I saying? It’s The Answer. It’s The Answer, it is. The question has been answered. It’s its answer. The question’s.

They all nod their heads, over and over.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
We’re going to die.

They act as if this hasn’t been said and continue to nod and nod.

FLUFFY
I wish God would come and hold me in His arms.

Everyone except Pup Scooby stop what they are doing in amused shock, then point and laugh uproariously.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
I’m courageous and admirable, not nothing. Or, rather, I know nothing isn’t only not there but also what there is or would be when I was ain’t. I’m looking straight at “the truth.” All there is is there’s only time and societal issues and magazines. Now, however, It has come. We can believe in It. We can not risk anything least of all being wrong and believing that a thing is when nothing isn’t. It is different. It’s a win-win situation. See, I was proven right to yield to fear, my individual fear. I worshipped it and defended it and changed the entire world to justify it and now It has they am we is I were she have you has never tasted a plum bob 90 degree angle shaft. God is dead, man.

FLUFFY
I’m lonely and hurt.

Everyone but Pup Scooby laughs and points again.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
You’re stupid!

Laughter and hoots of derision.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
See, here’s the thing. This thing here, It, is The Truth we’ve been searching for. It’s different. We’re different. The new age has been ushered in, here, among us. Don’t cling to your old delusions and fantasies. Devote your self to It. Did you not hear Its powerful voice? Latch on to it. Unlike everything else your ruthless self-obsession and elaborate delusions about the nature of yourself and the world won’t hurt it at all and it makes no demands of you except abject worship and nothing.

Pup Scooby holds Fluffy tenderly in his arms during this excoriation. A single tear falls from Pup Scooby’s eye. When it hits the floor the stage explodes in white light, which slowly dims to a single spot on Pup Scooby and Fluffy. The rest of the stage is plunged into increasing darkness.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
from the darkness
I’m, I say, I’m dying.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Me too.

Silence.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
I’m dying of the light.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
It’s true.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Hey, check it out, I’m dead.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #3
You’ve never not been.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Maybe that’s why I don’t feel any different.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
I used to feel.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
I find that unlikely.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
No, it’s true.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
What changed your mind?

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
I felt.

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Do you know, I can only love the forgotten.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
Why not heroes, the famous?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
They’re all used up. They’re deformed and public and have ceased to be themselves.

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
And the forgotten, the lonely, the losers?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
I can see them. There’s no light on them. There’s just them, just them.

KENNESAW MOUNTAIN LANDIS
Like us?

HILLYBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #4
Us, yes. All of you.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
We were afraid, afraid of shrivelling like grapes in the real eyes of a complete stranger, of having blanched almonds chafing in our precious eyeholes.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #2
We settled for being pretty when there were eyes like sapphires under high cold water in the bed of a shallow mountain stream.

HILLBILLY REVOLUTIONARY #1
We avoided pain that light bone-sets and grew crookedly and now it’s dark.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Shall we light a candle?

LOBSTER ST. STUNT BREAST
Better to curse the darkness.

Silence.

LIVE FIRST ALERT DOPPLER 8000
Fucking darkness.

The spot turns an intense orange. Pup Scooby continues to hold Fluffy. Finally, the bishop in full regalia rides out of the darkness and across the stage on a unicycle.

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