Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof

The Skookumchuck Police Blotter: Sunday, January 16

In Comedy writing on January 23, 2005 at 4:43 am

The complete Police Activity Reports for the town of Skookumchuck, Washington, for the week of Monday, January 10 through Sunday, January 16, 2005, as published in the pages of the Skookumchuck Weekly Flood Warden by Staff Reporter / Editor-in-Chief Merle Hotchkiss.

Monday.

At six in the morning, Jimmy Phillips, who had just opened his donut shop on Orange Park Road and Main Street, saw a man breaking into his Dodge Ram, which he had parked out back. Phillips and a patron, Leslie White of the South County, intervened, whacking the man mercilessly until he dropped over in a heap. Officers Dale Dell and Dell Dahlman ascertained that the man was an employee of Nisqually’s A-Number-1 Vehicle Repossession Service which was acting on behalf of the North Dakota bank that held the title on the car. Phillips and Small were charged with assault and released on their own recognizance. Phillips blamed his ex-wife, Cissy Phillips nee Kreiser, of Bucephalus.

Monday afternoon a couple returned to their home in the 100 block of Ron Street from a business trip to Seattle to find graffiti scrawled on their back fence, which faces the busy Oak Road. The graffiti said, “F*ck everybody in the govemint excep Jerry up to fish lake and fuck all the minorties too excep billy at Taste of oogadugo.” Captain Ron Icenogle said members of the Skookumchuck Branch of the American Nazi Party were being questioned. Tim Bourgeois of the Nazi Party refused to comment except to say, “That Taste of Ougadougou, that’s good eatin’.”

Tuesday.

Joe Rembrandt of the Ocean Globe Camp Meeting Association called police Tuesday, midday, to complain that the association’s new meeting hall leased from the Moose Lodge in the old Liebes Building at 5th and Taylor streets looked like a scene out of the movie “Ben.” When Rembrant and fellow association members Lee McQuiddy and Glenda Mahpsuhong arrived and began rearranging the stacks of chairs and old bureaus, a steady stream of Norwegian wharf rats began to pour from holes in the wainscoting, effecting the hurried dispatch of all three on to what Mahpsuhong described as a “gorgeous mid-19th century highboy.” From there Rembrant, a real estate appraiser, called the police on his cellular phone. Officers Dale Dell and Dell Dahlman beat off the rats with a broom and called the Health Department, which closed down the Moose Lodge and closed up the Liebes Building until measures had been taken to deal with the situation.

Members of the Teeny Tiny Theater also had to call for rescue Tuesday afternoon when they found themselves locked inside the theater next to City Hall at Third and Johnson. The company members were in dress rehearsal for next week’s opening of the light opera, “Wrong Way Feldmanesque,” described as “if Fellini had written an opera based on the Gilligan’s Island TV show.”

Wednesday.

Gloria Alvarez and Hudson Sarnhole of the Phukon Porn Thai Restaurant on 3rd Street called police around closing time to report unruly behavior on the part of two of their clients, Tim Bourgeois of the Skookumchuck Nazi Party and Alden Garcia of the Skoomuchuck Socialist Revolutionary Cell. They had gotten into a shouting and name-calling match over the alleged presence of UN-sponsored Chinese shock-troops in the Burglar’s Crook area of the South County. “Hell, I always eat at Phukon Porn on Tuesdays,” complained Bourgeois. “It’s their massaman special.”

Officers Anne Nagle and Stanton How responded to a wild animal call in the 600 block of Daisy Lane off Orange Park Road late Wednesday night. Andrea Potsdam-Bonetti called to report a bat loose in her pottery studio. Nagle and How were able to effect the escape of the bat through the discharge of their weapons into the plywood walls of the studio near the roof. How then ran home to fetch his circular saw and the two replaced the wall’s damaged panel.

Thursday

Officers Dale Dell and Dell Dahlman responded to a call by Rose Chasuble of Rose’s Antiques at 3rd and Tyler streets. Chasuble had called to complain that a local homeless man, Terry Captain, whose can- and bottle-filled shopping cart is a familiar site to downtown employees and shoppers at the Skookumchuck Downtown Pedestrian Mall, refused to leaver her shop. He had attempted to use his scrip to buy a chafing dish. Scrip, or “bum bucks” as it is sometimes uncharitably called, is part of a Jaycee’s program to provide the indigent with a means to purchase non-food necessities, like shampoo and laundry detergent at local participating retailers. When Chasuble refused to honor the scrip for the purchase, Captain became agitated. “I just had to have that chafing dish,” Captain said later, in reference to the 18th century American silver antique. “It is simply exquisite.”

Later that afternoon, Ralph “Moose” Small was chatting with Nally’s deliveryman Mike Okuzuna next to his delivery stepvan in front of Reznor’s Super at the top of the Plain Street grade. Small, whose name is ironical for the six-foot five-inch, 285-pound timber inspector, leaned against the back of the van as Okuzuna was inside, arranging boxes. The emergency brake, which was on only slightly, gave way and the van, which had been left in neutral, began to roll. Officer Anne Nagle found the van some minutes later on the other side of town, past the I-5 onramp with a very shaken and disoriented Ozukuna inside. The van has sailed through two stoplights and one stop sign before coming to rest in a patch of blackberry bushes. No one was hurt.

Friday.

Officer Ramses Morgan pulled over a speeding, swerving Cadillac Friday night. The driver, none other than longtime Skookumchuck mayor Bolbo Wincas. He said he was returning from a political meeting at the Grass Hut Gentleman’s Club in New Chilliwack. Traveling with the mayor was his aide, Savoy Peppers.

Saturday.

Acclaimed mystery writer and longtime local resident Proberta Gerber was accosted by a zealous fan at her home on Snell Court Saturday evening. Like a scene out of one of her own Rabbi Johnson mysteries – “S is for Shut Up Or I’ll Kill You” or “Hands in the Air and Nobody Gets Hurt” – Gerber jumped out of her kitchen window and sprinted across Pat Jorgensen’s cow pasture, trailed by the fan, later identified as Petrus Iliescu of Onalaska. She ran into the Holladay Inn on Orange Park Road through a side entrance and straight into the arms of renowned crooner and longtime local resident Tony del Plano, whose swing act has lit up local nightlife since 1975. The singer, pianist and heppest cat to ever come out of Skookumchuck and Klipchak counties and erstwhile session partner of Doc Severinsen, leapt into action. Del Plano lit into Vader, knocking him down. He was taken into custody by Officers Lubers and Aldin.

Later Saturday night, Officers Leslie Eisenberg and Ramses Morgan responded to the newly installed silent alarm that Lenny Ma put in at the Burger Hole on Market near Plane street. It was a false alarm.

Sunday.

Chip Stone was cited Sunday afternoon by Officer Mo Aldin for littering and driving with an uncovered load. Chicken feathers were flying out and blood spattering the roadway from Stone’s pick up as he drove down Fish Hatchery Road. He was also instructed to put the two live chickens he was carrying in his cab into the bed and tie them up.

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