Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof

The Skookumchuck Police Blotter: Sunday, January 8, 2005

In Comedy writing on January 9, 2005 at 3:53 am

The complete Police Activity Reports for the town of Skookumchuck, Washington, for the week of Monday, January 3 through Sunday, January 8, 2005, as published in the pages of the Skookumchuck Weekly Flood Warden by Staff Reporter / Editor-in-Chief Merle Hotchkiss.

Monday.

Cleo Van Iderstine of Cleo’s In-Home Beauty Salon reported two of her roosters had been stolen from the chicken house out back of her home / salon in the 600 block of Fish Hatchery Road late Monday night. Van Iderstine told officers Anne Nagle and Stanton How the two roosters were a Rhode Island Red named Greg who took best-of-show in last August’s Poultry Show at the Skookumchuck County Fair and a Rock rooster named Mr. Rooster.

Tuesday.

Police responded to reports of suspicious noises coming from a room at the Don’t Mind If I Dew Drop Inn Motel and Coffee Shop on Hazel Court off of County Road 9 in the early hours of Tuesday morning. Described as a boing-boing, tock-tock-tock type sound, responding officers Nagle and How could find no reason for the reported sounds, which did not repeat while they were there.

Sgt. P.P. Parenti and Officers Dale Dell and Dell Dahlman were called to the Stump Tavern on Orange Park Road at around noon Tuesday. A patron, Ralph “Moose” Small had left the tavern drunk with an old couch in the back of his pick-up. Stump proprietor Lev Green said that by the time Small had circled around the large gravel parking lot beside the tavern the couch he was carrying had somehow caught on fire. Green said Small seemed oblivious to the fire. The two officers hit the lights and went after Small while Sgt. Parenti radioed other officers and other area law-enforcement agencies. Small was reported just north of Kelso heading south on I-5, couch still blazing, when police lost track of him.

Friday Lamott, and elderly lady who lives in the 800 block of Mosswood Street, reported Tuesday afternoon that her neighbor keeps moving her stone rabbit figure from her lawn and placing it on her own lawn beside a stone dog. The neighbor, Sissy Zylstra, also an elderly lady, refused to say why she was doing this, if in fact she was. Neither lady pressed charges and both said they didn’t know where the stone dog came from nor why young ladies would want to run around with their asses all hanging out. They indicated Officer Dell Dahlman, who was a man and clad in regulation Skookumchuck Police Department uniform, including pants.

Wednesday.

Ramona McCoy called police Wednesday evening after arriving home to find her husband, Archie, missing. All of Archie’s cologne and aftershave bottles, including his trademark scent, Old Spice, were out of the cabinets and empty and his pistol was missing. Officer Stan Halberstan later found McCoy in a cul-de-sac off Templeton where he was shooting out the streetlights. Halberstan disarmed him and transported him to the Skookumchuck County Hospital for evaluation.

Lester Gellert, owner of the Notes From Underground bookstore on Raffel, called police Wednesday night to report a bomb. Officers Alvin Borman and Stan Halberstan responded to the call from Gellert’s home at the Oakpark Condominiums at Oak and Park. A package made to look like an explosive device had been placed under the lid of Gellert’s barbeque located on his balcony. Police had no leads but Gellert said he suspected the Skookumchuck Branch of the American Nazi Party was angry at him for letting the Skookumchuck Socialist Rovolutionary Cell hold its meetings in his bookstore after closing time. Both Tim Bourgeois of the Nazi Party and Alden Garcia of the Revolutionary Cell denied involvement.

Thursday.

In the early morning hours neighbors in the 2400 block of Treacle Avenue reported a vehicle horn had been honking without cessation for a significant length of time. Officers Anne Nagle and Stanton How found Benjamin “Ben” Benben-Busvan III, a financial adviser from Olympia, passed out at the wheel of his Lexus, head pressed against the horn.

Night Sergeant Bette Thin responded to a report by several homeless campers who lived in the bushes by the eastbound Amtrack rails that one of their compatriots, nicknamed “Skillet,” had been “hit in the hand by aliens from outer space” and had run screaming up the connector toward New Chilliwack. The vagrant in question was not found but police in New Chilliwack were notified.

Friday.

Longtime Skookumchuck mayor Bolbo Wincas was cited for driving under the influence of alcohol at the corner of Ash and County Road 9 late Friday night by Officer Ramses Morgan after leaving a political meeting at the English Garden Gentleman’s Club at Oak and Orange Park Road.

Saturday.

Pete Cornejo of Pete’s Ice Warehouse on Howard Boulevard called police Saturday midday when he discovered two homeless men, later identified as Alphonse Ghilotti and Timmy J. Jimmy, trying to build an igloo with blocks stolen from an unattended refrigerator truck parked out back. The two men were treated for hypothermia at the Skookumchuck County Hospital and later released when Cornejo decided against pressing charges. “I thought igloos was supposed to be warm,” said Jimmy.

Saturday night found Officers Veronica Lubers and Mo Aldin pulling Leland Stevens and Jill Takahara ouf of Stinging Nettle Creek after Takahara’s Doge Dart Demon hit the rail at the Plain Street offramp from I-5 and dropped nose-first into the watercourse, full to the brink from recent rains.

Sunday.

Officer Tsagadesh Haileselassie was called to the 800 block of Mosswood Sunday morning. She found two elderly women, Friday Lamott and Sissy Zylstra, exchanging punches in Lamott’s yard. She separated them and gave them a good talking to.

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