As an incredibly successful Internet professional I believe that it is incumbent upon me to help novitiates and acolytes enter the sanctum of our exciting new world of radical, irreversible, and thoroughly positive change into a world of eternally growing, consequence-free wealth.
Your exciting journey into the murky tabernacle of Impactfulness Paradigms, focus groups and the retooling of customer-facing technologies will lead you to a world of inexplicable moral and financial worth. But the first step toward this nirvana of jargon and mass delusion is petitioning the high priest to accept you as a devotee. And the best way to get that to happen is the skillfully crafted cover letter and resume.
It just so happens that I have hit on the magic formula to create this pair of otherworldly documents and I have deigned to share them with you. Use this cover letter and this resume and you will be well on your way toward instant wealth as you change – forever and with no chance of it ever changing back – the way that human beings perceive their reality and relate to one another.
By working made-up jobs with technology slightly different than that of the drones who came before you, you will know the joy of selfless (and instantly profitable) dedication to the greatest moral good the world has ever known since the dawn of time.
Remember: Walking that razor’s edge between unrealistic expectations of radical change and the confusion of easy money with easy answers is a cake walk, from which no one will ever divert you.
I envy you for the journey upon which you are about to embark.
